”I went upstairs and tossed my duffle on my brother’s old bed. The aroma of cigar smoke filled the room. I knew my Dad had been sitting in the chair in the corner, smoking, ever since he got the news. I could smell the tears. I stripped and climbed under the covers of my old bed. I cried until my own tears ran down my neck and onto my chest, and then fell asleep on my wet pillow.Before dawn, I heard my Dad slam the bathroom door closed and turn on the shower. I sat up in bed- reached for my shirt, and pulled a cigarette out of the pocket. Lighting it, I lay back on my pillow, letting the ashes drop on my chest. When I finished smoking, I looked around for an ashtray. I got out of bed and found an ash tray on our old school desk, filled with cigar butts.After I showered and put my suit on, I met my Dad downstairs. He was wearing his old Navy blues. What a fucking stud, even after all these years! He hadn’t shaved this morning- he looked like a poster for everything I admired in a man.. It was a long time ago!I promised myself that day. If someone was going to finger me to cum – it would be HER, her hand. I have never let anyone else finger me to cum. I always made them give me an oral or even fuck me but never let them touch my cunt.It has been 4 years now, but I will not forget the promise I made to myself. I still do not have the courage to confront her. Maybe I will never have. This is one of many reasons I have never submitted to anyone else. I had to keep my promise.I did not crave submission. After she left, the disappointment, anger, emptiness made me a different person – a person sometimes even I don’t recognize. I lived – happily, with my army of pets – but never content.All these thoughts rushed through me, bringing back the longing, insecurity, disappointment, anger, and frustration with it. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and concentrated on my breathing.Feeling the air enter my nostrils, slowly filling the lungs, expanding my bosom, nipples.
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