It was written before I had ever been kissed and before I had ever had anything remotely resembling a boyfriend. I had never seen porn, outside of a single still frame picture I found in the bathroom. The picture was of a woman bent down with a man inside her that one of my brothers must have left in the bathroom. Up until this point, I had pretended and thought that the types of guys I liked were conventionally attractive guys. I measured potential boyfriends against a list in my head that I never transcribed into my journal, which should have been my first clue it was nonsense. I wanted someone taller than me, older than me, physically adept, muscularly solid over skinny, and whom I could connect to with games, movies, or conversations. Basically, I described my brother Edmund and his teammates. I was never attracted to my brother, although his teammates I certainly had fantasized about. However, those dreams were always in group settings. Hollywood heartthrobs I recognized. Probably the best part was when we were in the food court and Iwas sitting across from Cindy and she had on a tight sweater that did agood job of showing off her "figure", if you know what I mean, and I washaving fun imagining what was underneath the sweater, and what hernipples looked like, and what it would be like to be able to hold herbreasts in my hands, and maybe even to suck on her nipples. I guess Iwasn't paying too much attention to our conversation as Cindy had to keepreminding me that she'd asked me a question that I hadn't answered. Andat one point she giggled a little and said: "You know Danny, it's easierto talk to you when you talk to my face instead of to my boobies." Iblushed a little and stopped staring at her chest after that.I was putting on my bra this past Saturday morning and I just happened tosee the tube of ointment lying on the top of my dresser. That started methinking about how good it had felt when I had applied it to my chestlast night as I played with.
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